BEAUTY FROM ASHES: A FAITH JOURNEY
Mark 10: 27 says, “All things are possible with God.”
That’s a strong statement, right?
Let me explain how this one statement - this one proclamation and affirmation quite literally restarted my mentality after battling so long with my grief.
If you are friends with me on social media, then you know that I am very vocal and open on my experience with my miscarriages and the loss of our son, Walker Reese. I have struggled with my mental health for years. I have tried medication, therapy, service animals, group chats – you name it. But giving birth to our son has absolutely traumatized me.
I recently read a book that said life has a BC and an AD, which when you think about it means “Before Christ” and Anno Domini. In this case she worded it as “Before Crisis” and “After Devastation.”
Now, I could go back and say my BC started the week of my first miscarriage, which also happened to be the week of my wedding in February 2023. But I’m not going to say it started there. We were all stressed at that point in time, so we attributed the loss to that: a stressful situation that resulted in an early miscarriage. We had just tested positive, so we would have been roughly in the 5-6 week range at that point. We had our first ultrasound scheduled for the Thursday before our wedding. Doctors tend to term this as a “Chemical Pregnancy.” I, personally, don’t like it termed that way but I can’t change it. Ultimately, we were in fact pregnant, but due to the circumstances, it just didn’t work out. There could have been numerous issues. It could have been low progesterone (I’ve been known to have issues with that), or it could have been something genetic and my body terminated the pregnancy because the baby wasn’t viable. We don’t know. We never even got the chance to see our first baby on a sonogram.
I could also say that my BC started at the end of April 2023 when we had our second miscarriage. We actually got the chance to see our little bean on the sonogram and see (his) little flutter of a heartbeat. It was magical! It was one of the best feelings ever to know that we had made it to the point that our baby had a heartbeat! But again, we had to say goodbye. We were in the 8 to 9 week range. The prognosis was that my progesterone was low. That’s it. That’s all the doctor told us; there was and could be no other explanation.
No, my BC did not start with either of those losses. Why? Because even though they were absolutely tragic and one of the worst moments in my timeline, I still had the strength to move on. I still had things I needed to do and I couldn’t stop to mourn them. I kept telling myself “These things happen for a reason.” And I let other people tell me that, too. I let the people around me tell me things like:
At least you know you can get pregnant.
Maybe it just wasn’t meant to be.
It’s just not your time.
God has a plan!
If you quit thinking about it, you’ll get pregnant again.
You’re trying too hard!
And I fully understand this - I really do. I understand and agree with each one of these statements. I agree because at the time, I convinced myself that it was just stress and that I just needed to quit trying, don’t think about it and it will happen. We will have our rainbow baby.
My point of devastation was giving birth to our son, Walker Reese. I had finally just quit trying to conceive (TTC) and was planning to go to the police academy when I tested positive! I cried. I literally cried myself into hysterics because I immediately started thinking the worst and how scared I was to experience another loss. It was a beautiful thing and a terrifying thing all at the same time.
We progressed wonderfully! He always measured 1.5 to 2 weeks bigger than what he was supposed to be. It was a magical experience, even with the morning sickness. I wouldn’t trade it for anything. And thinking back on it, I don’t think I ever once complained about the sickness. The only thing I was upset about was that just the mere thought of Mexican food would make me gag! And at the time, I ate Mexican food often! It’s one of my go-tos!
We made it week 13, and finally announced it on social media (even though just about everyone knew anyway). It was cute. We had matching pajamas and sat in front of a Christmas tree. I started to feel the flutters of our tiny baby wiggling around.
On December 27, we learned we were having a boy! I had been praying for a boy all year because I just know if we have a girl, I am going to get every bit of attitude-payback for how bad of a child I was!
I feel like my life stopped on December 31, 2023. Just three short days later. A lot can happen in three days, right? During the time from our last ultrasound to this date, Walker had wiggled around enough to tangle himself in his umbilical cord and had become distressed.
I woke up at 2:33am, and my water had broken. I was in labor. Our doctor told us we would need a miracle, but no matter how hard I begged and asked God to save my baby, it wasn’t enough. Walker was born at 11:09 CST, with no heartbeat. There was nothing we could do.
There was nothing we could do.
There was nothing we could do. It wasn’t my fault.
We went from euphoric joy to such devastating heartbreak so quickly. I have always been great at handling trauma, handling my emotions, and generally just being the one that takes charge in major events. But being told that there was nothing we could do other than wait felt like I was standing on the roof of a building collapsing. I felt the tentative solid ground that I had built start to give way beneath me. My whole world stopped in those few hours between 2:33am and 11:09am.
I had so much anxiety during my last pregnancy. I had so many fears and doubts. I had so many prayers and so many plans.
But let me stop right there. Me sharing our story and our experience isn’t to get you to feel sorry for us. I promise, that is the LAST thing that I want. I want to share our experience and our testimony with God to help other women (and fathers!) to start their healing journey! That is what this blog is about. I want you to know that you are not alone. Your baby deserves recognition. Your miscarriage or pregnancy loss or stillborn still happened, regardless if the world is moving on or not! TALK ABOUT IT. Tell people the positive things that you got to experience from your pregnancy. Tell people about the excitement and what you had planned. Cry about it if you need to! Cry about the experiences you lost with your baby! You can grieve for your loss. Because it was the most tragic experience, and I can’t tell you how much I wish I could take away your pain. No parent should ever have to experience this tragedy. Ever. Even with adult children.
One of my favorite verses is:
Psalm 34:18 says “The Lord is near the brokenhearted; He saves those crushed in spirit.”
But what exactly does that mean? If you are carrying hidden grief, others may not see your pain but God does. Unexpected sorrows may feel overwhelming, but you are not alone. And trust me when I tell you, I know that your mind is telling you that you are alone. I know that you feel like you don’t have anyone who understands your point of view, but I promise they do. There are so many women who have experienced this tragedy with you, some maybe at different points in time.
But God is close to the brokenhearted. God is holding you even when the world moves on. Because life will go on. The people around you will keep going to work, will keep attending baby showers, gender reveals, posting pregnancy announcements and births. And I know you feel so much anger and resentment towards them. It is not their fault, just as much as it is not your fault. God saves those who are crushed in spirit.
So, before I close this introduction, let’s go back to the beginning:
Mark 10: 27 says, “All things are possible with God.”
In October 2024, ten months after the birth of our son, we decided to get further testing done on both myself and my husband. At that point, we had been trying for 7 months and still had not gotten pregnant again. So, after the testing and all was done, we moved forward with infertility medicine. Letrozole, to be exact. We were so excited to start this journey! Me more than my husband. I tend to latch on to certain events, and I get ahead of myself with hope and excitement, while he is more reserved – not that he wasn’t excited! My husband is so supportive, and has been there every step of the way. My journey is just as much his as it is mine. Even though I was the one physically going through the things we have, that doesn’t mean his emotions are any less raw and powerful than mine are.
At the beginning of November, we got another negative test. Our first failed cycle. I was having the worst day after getting the results. I'm talking, crying and screaming in my car, just being so mad - just so angry. I had such high, high hopes.
That evening, I was barely holding myself together at a friend’s house with our usual crew. As we were blessing the food, our dear sweet Ms. Brenda closed the prayer with "Because all things are possible with God. Amen.” She looked right at me and told me that it was a message for me. All things are possible with God. I didn't realize how much I needed to hear it at that moment. I honestly think that was the tipping point for me.
I wasn't raised in church. Prior to this, I had never read the Bible, cover-to-cover. I am still learning to apply scripture to my life. I am still learning to listen to God’s Word. I told my husband before we got married that I wanted to learn more and grow my relationship and my faith in Jesus. So much has been thrown at us in the past two years, and I'll be honest - it just hasn't been my priority.
But the night Ms. Brenda told me that she had a message for me - the night that I was barely holding myself together (again) and having so much doubt and self-hatred, so much disappointment and anger towards God - that was the night I said okay. I'm listening. Talk to me.
So many goals and plans have been falling into the right place at the right time lately. And I know in my heart that it's all God's plan. I wish that I could close this introduction with a pregnancy announcement, but that’s not currently the case. But I still have so much hope. I have so much faith in my God now that I know he is going to bless us with the child that we need.
A co-worker told me a story of a couple who have had multiple children. Their last was lost to a drowning incident in their pool while the mother was home. It was an accident. It was a tragedy, and I just know that she had so much grief in her heart. But God used their loss to put them on the path of ministry, a path that they have thrived in. Think about how many people they have saved and have led to Jesus because of the loss of their child. As terrible of a loss as it was, their pain and grief had a purpose. God had a purpose for them! And I truly feel like God has done the same with my husband and I. We weren’t where we needed to be in our relationship with God, and I feel like He used our losses to get our attention and to turn us towards Him.
Obviously, I am not a perfect Christian. I curse. I gossip. I drink socially. I judge and I hold grudges. I don't go to Church often. I sometimes watch sermons live. I am working on myself. Because I have never felt more at peace, emotionally and spiritually than I have that night and every night since that I've been doing my Bible studies. I have cried. I have questioned. I have doubted. But every time, the answers are there. Every time, God is there.
And I know I am not alone.
And I honestly can't trade that for anything.
Because all things are possible with God.
Walker Reese Whitaker
12/31/2023
“Fishing in the waters of heaven.”
